Jesus of Nazareth Has Been Captured and Executed
As your Commander in Chief, I take great pride in announcing to you that Jesus of Nazareth is dead! I especially want to thank the Pentagon, Marines, and Special Forces for yet another successful search and destroy mission in the Middle East. As some of you might not know, Jesus has been a threat to our national security for quite some time. In His State of the Union Address at the University of Tel Aviv, He vilified US foreign policy in Iraq and the entire region as being both unethical and unsustainable. Via satellite, the CIA and our entire intelligence community carefully have monitored Jesus’ whereabouts, His bank transactions, cell phone records, and e-mails, as well as those of His followers who call themselves “Christians”. The Secret Police and the CIA have affirmed that some Christians have joined Hezbollah and were planning a terrorist attack upon the United States prior to their capture and detention at Guantanamo Bay. By paying one of the Disciples thirty pieces of silver, our covert operatives were able to locate His bunker in Gethsemane where Jesus took refuge from time to time. Throughout Jerusalem it was well established that the arrogant Jesus was a dangerous criminal who professed being the Son of God and who shamelessly broke Judaic law. Claiming to be a Jew, yet, He dared to chastise the Pharisees and to rebuke the Chief Priest on more than one occasion in the synagogue. Reliable reconnaissance of the entire region affirms that Jesus often communed with publicans, lepers, and all kinds of sinners. Both houses of Congress have been especially concerned about Jesus teaching Biblical doctrine [www.victoryNchrist.net] that threatened the GLBT Movement and other politically correct ideals https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yO21Lbv2Kk we hold sacred in our country. For example, despite having no wife of His own, Jesus did not condone divorce, fornication or adultery. Yet, the Mossad and other reliable sources in Israel indicate that when a coquette was caught in the act of adultery, Jesus rebuked the Pharisees and priests who apprehended her and wanted to bring her to justice. In another White House briefing, I was informed that Jesus disrupted commerce and banned selling doves in the temple. Many hospital beds are empty as doctors have lost both patients and a substantial portion of their incomes as a result of the miraculous healing power of Jesus of Nazareth. Already, I just received a congratulatory call from the Illuminati and the President of the Middle East Medical Association thanking me for assassinating the enigmatic Christ. The pharmaceutical lobby here in Washington estimates that Jesus robbed them of nearly a billion dollars by healing the sick — for FREE! That won’t ever happen again, thanks to the patriotic men and women in the Armed Forces who protect our nation’s best interest!
Instead of honoring capitalism, Jesus taught His followers to have compassion and to give to the poor [www.victoryNchrist.net] with no respect of person. Economists at Cornell, Yale, and Harvard have described His economic policy focusing upon “all things in common” as, de facto, a form of communism. Rest assured we all will sleep safer now that He no longer is alive. Despite the noblest efforts by the Jerusalem Council, High Priests, and Pharisees, still they were unable to find Jesus guilty of any capital crime. Thus, as your Commander in Chief, I felt compelled to use our weapons of mass destruction to make the world safe from such an evil threat to democracy. I am confident that God will bless America for taking such courageous military action in this strategic region of the Holy Lands. As you know, our nation always has come to the aid of our allies whenever they needed our protection. Now is no different an occasion. Nonetheless, our allied forces in the Middle East still remain on high alert because Jesus claimed He has the power to come back from the dead. I already have met with my military strategists and commanders in Rome, Jerusalem, Galilee, and Baghdad. We ask you to support our troops for their bravery as they remain on high alert throughout the region. We believe that Jesus’ Disciples are planning a covert mission to steal His body. As we all remain in such a state of high alert, I have signed Executive Order 01-666 for US soldiers to shoot first and ask questions later if any man, woman, or child approaches Jesus’ grave. Attempting such a coup possibly would incite all of Jerusalem to believe He was The Messiah, were His body to be removed secretly from the tomb. My Cabinet advisors and I are more than confident that will not and can not happen. Apache helicopters control the air space around Jerusalem 24/7, assisted by the surveillance of several drones. Here at home, the Director of Transportation has beefed up airport security for any and all international flights, in the event that His fugitive Disciples attempt to enter the country. Again, I am proud to say that the carpenter’s son is dead! God bless you and God bless America!
…to be continued…[St. Matthew Chapters 26, 27, and 28]…so don’t miss it!!
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